Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
