I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
