I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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