I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
