the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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