I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
