in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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