Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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