Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
