Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
