He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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