My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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