my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
