I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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