in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
