Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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