I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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