let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
