he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
