I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
