watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
