May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
