You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
