I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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