Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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