My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
