i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
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