i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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