Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
