apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
