I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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