Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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