I accidentally had phone sex last night
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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