is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
