i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
