you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
