The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
