she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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