Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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