Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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