Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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