I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
