There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
there is puke in my bra ... again
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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