can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
