I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
