Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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