So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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