I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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