just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
