So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
