I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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